Dipstick Mania
by laureas
Summary: Ambushed by Decepticons, Mudflap and Skids power up to find they are stuck in their alt-modes, with no communication. And they're in a chop-shop. The results are ...interesting. Rated T for swearing and violence.
1. Chapter 1

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Summary: Ambushed by Decepticons, Mudflap and Skids power up to find they are stuck in their alt-modes, with no communication. And they're in a chop-shop. The results are ...interesting. Rated T for swearing and violence.

This story is inspired by a Castor Oil commercial (dis. I do not own it!) In it an old Scots man goes around whacking people on the back of the leg yelling, "Think with yar dipstick Jiammy!" Hence the title…

"_Dip-stick Mania"_

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**(Major thanks to Gixxer Pilot for helping me remembers the ad in question. *Sends cyber-hug*)**

^-^ = thoughts

*-* = over channel

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers. I just write this for fun.

Chapter 1: Ambush.

"Man, thesa be trouble! Whya them 'Cons gotta diss us like this?" complained Mudflap as he fired off several shots in succession.

"Cause them 'Cons, man! And dumbafts!" Skids spat as he dove behind a patch of scrub.

A whoosh of air and a sharp crack of air told the twins that one of the Decepticon jets had joined the battle.

"Pathetic scum, you only prolong your miserable existence," shrieked Starscream as he banked over the Everglades.

Transforming in mid-air, he crashed down on-top of Skids' temporary cover .

Skids let out a yelp as Starscream's claws raked across his armor.

"You is crazy, man! Ya think I can't dance with yo aft and hand ya the smackdown? I been duckin from 'Hide and the Hachet together and yo ain't even close ta them! Slowmo!" the green twin taunted.

Starscream snarled as he swiped at Skids again, but this time Skids was ready for him.

As Starscream reached to rake his claws at the small 'bot, Skids smashed a jagged piece of armor that had been knocked off of the other 'Con down onto his hand, severing a claw.

Starscream leapt backwards with a audio-ringing screech. "You miserable Autobot! I will enjoy shredding your protoform to scrap!" Starscream yelled as he transformed.

Meanwhile Mudflap was having his own problems. "Whaz wrong, ya scrap-piece. Ta much high graded?" the red twin smirked.

Mixmaster, one of the three survivors of the Devastator gestalt, snarled at the red coup. He hadn't forgotten the insult that the twins had given his gestalt team, namely destroying one of the Devastator 's optics.

***Get on yer comm. line on, ya aft. We gotta call fer help!*** Skids snapped over the internal comm. line. He was keeping one optic on Starscream who was in the middle of power-diving him, and one on his twin.

***Back off bro, I got it covered!*** Mudflap snapped back as he switched frequencies. Unknown to either twin was the fact that they had just been outnumbered.

***Starscream : Acknowledge,*** Soundwave announced over the Decepticon frequency. ***We must jam their communication or the Autobots will know of our attempts to sabotage the fleshlings' space program.* **Starscream said savagely.

***Ready the pulse-randomizer* *Caution : Untested *** Soundwave warned. ***Well now is the perfect time to do so! Find the frequency they are broadcasting the distress call and punch it through that!*** the Air Commander ordered.

***Decision: Unwise. Alternative: Twin frequency.*** Starscream was incredulous. ***I thought you couldn't touch a twin-bond frequency. Especially out of reach of one*** he stated.

Soundwave sent the jet a geosematic of where exactly he was located in the battle, which happened to be right behind Mudflap, under the surface of the water. ***Requested: Distractions* **Soundwave added.

Starscream was only too happy to oblige. ***Mixmaster, prepare to switch targets,*** Starscream ordered as he swooped down towards Skids.

At the last possible astro-second, he pulled up with his afterburners going into overdrive.. This caused a horrendous back-wash that knocked Skids off-balance. Mixmaster took advantage of the green twin's predicament and slammed into his left side, sending him sprawling.

As Skids went down, the back-wash hit Mudflap. He had been distracted from his S.O.S. call by his twin's plight and the blast of supersonic air caught him unprepared.

He landed hard on his backplates which was exactly what Soundwave had been waiting for. Metallic tentacles shot out of the Deception's body in a rapid movement towards his chest plates.

They dove under the heavy amour and just barely touched Mudflap's spark chamber. As Soundwave triggered the experimental device, the red twin's spark defense program kicked into high gear.

It sent a savage EMP through the tentacles and into Soundwave's systems. However this did not disable the satellite infiltrator, merely paralyzed him for a long second.

It had happened so fast that neither Mudflap nor Skids could react before they went offline. "Excellent!" Starscream purred, as the twins were forced through their transformation to the alt-forms with painful slowness.

The jet then picked up a compact in each claw and snickered. "I'll just dump these in a **_appropriate _**place and we can get on with our mission.

Mudflap on lined very slowly feeling like he'd over-energized on a poisonous type of hi-grade. Even his thoughts were slurred and lisping. _^Wha... th'...slag... happn... ta... me? Feels lik I ben inta 'Hides' szash afer Sun and 'Side don smix it. Wher' sm I anway?^ _

With that thought Mudflap tried to transform only to find that he'd been stuck in alt-mode. He also realized that no, he wasn't at Diego Garcia, and that his sensors didn't detect any other Autobot. Increasingly frantic, he opened his comm. to the all-frequency channel.

***Ta any Autabot reading me, hist is Mudflap! I'm in throuble! Lacation unknawn, currantly unabill ta thansform.*** Nothing but static. Suddenly his audios registered one of the most beautiful noises in the universe. Skids groaning.

"Skidth! Wherth arf ya," Mudflap yelped as he started his engine. A flash of light from Skids' headlights guided the red compact over to his twin.

"Where are we an' what we doin' herrre?" Skids asked, his speech only slightly slurred. "I ain't surth. Last thinn I rememver is ya an' me battlin' Desepticans, an thean.." Mudflap trailed off suddenly as he remembered Soundwave's overwhelming assault.

Skids sounded his horn impatiently, startling his twin. But instead of a angry outburst, Mudflap whimpered.

Skids found himself reliving the last few second of conscious processing along with his twin through their bond. And he exploded in a protective rage.

Mudflap watched numbly as Skids shot around the darkened area spewing curses in Cybertronian and ramming everything in his line of optics. The swearing soon turned more colorful as Skids switched from Cybertronian to English.

"Slaggin' piece of scrap tin-crap! I'm gonna rip his spark case out and stick it in a nuker an' see how he likes being fragged ovr' an' ovr. An' then," BANG! "..I'ma gonna take his case an' ram it up 'Screamer's aft an' take Jolt's whip and hit 'em both! Nobody does that ta my twin! NOBODY!"

Mudflap had finally been shaken out of his doldrums. "Alrigt Skids," he called snickering. "ya gat ma attenthin. Naw, I can' tranthform an' I can' rawis nobady. I'ma gessin that ya can either."

Skids snarled as his alt-mode shook, but answered back quietly enough. "Ya been awake lon' enough ta think this all though, ain't ya?"

Mudflap mentally shook his head and switch to the one form of internal communication that remained to them. ***Naws man! I knaw tha' wha'ver ol' Sounder did, he done it though tha twin-bond.* **

Skids sent a silent affirmative back and backed up till he was side-by-side to Mudflap. Now both twins had their lights sweeping over the 'room' they were in.

Skids' rampage had knocked over work benches and scattered tools, but there was other things in the room. Mainly cars and car-parts. ***Aw, man! *** Skids suddenly whined. ***I know where we are! Chop-shop!* **

***Ya shure thas ain't a mechanic's shothp?*** Mudflap shot back. ***Course I am! Look over there. They've got a semi and tha trailer's got cars with tha ignition stripped. We is in BBIIGG troubl.***

Mudflap settled back on his axles. *** Nat totally. I hears them humans comin' but whn I's open tha call ta base, Prame intirruptid 'Sides. He musta knawn we's in traubiil. Sah all we gatta do is keep tha humans frum touchin' us til he gats herth.* **

Skids snorted in disgust, than brightened. ***Souns lika 'scare the slag outta the humans' time!*** he exclaimed gleefully. And thus the twins began to plan in earnest.

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_Ya I know. This was suppose to be a one-shot. And a funny one at that. But it's takn a life of it own. Don't worry, chapter two will be coming. And it will be manic! *cackles* Please take a couple minutes and review. Thankee!_

Laureas.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thanks for the reviews and alerts folks. I'm not too happy with my muses right now, *glares at Prime then at Kirk & McCoy chuckling in the back ground.* Been hit with a massive Energizer Plot tribble, but I swore I'd update a least a chapter. Gixxer Pilot this is especially for you. **_

**Disclaimer - Don't own 'em. Just for fun. **

_**Dipstick Mania:**_

All thoughts and comm. are bold

***-* **= comm.

**^-^ **= thoughts

Chapter 2: _**Scared Straight**_

Raquel Costas was grumbling to himself as he led his chop crew to their warehouse near the 'Glades. Nobody came out here usually so the _Cobres _could be as loud as they wanted. Still it was a little too loud for their jefe's taste. "Shut the pie-holes hombres!" "Whadda mean? Ain't nobody gonna hear out here," whined his cousin Carlos. "I don't care if we were in the middle of Texas, comprende?" Raquel snapped as he reached the lock. "You want to be the ones to get on El Diablo's bad side? I sure don't!" he grumbled as he fussed with the lock.

The darn thing was rusted because it was old. Apparently El Diablo didn't think they needed to waste money on inconsequential's. Finally the thing clicked open just as the gang started to grumble behind him. " 'Bout damn time Ray!." someone snapped from in behind him. "Stop flappin' the lips hermanos! We got a delivery to make tonight. And I…. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE!" Raquel nearly shrieked. The light of the setting sun showed the warehouse was a mess. Tools and parts were scattered all over the place. "Oh man, now we've got twice as much work to do," groaned Carlos. Raquel didn't say anything just seethed.

"Bobby, ya's the one to close up shop yesterday. So tell me why the place is a mess?" Ray growled softly over his shoulder. From the stuttering sounds he heard from behind him, it didn't look like he'd be getting any answers soon. Finally he raised a hand. "F-k it man, just realize you and you buddies are gonna get this place set for us at work. Ya got fifteen minutes. And don't ask me what'll happen if ya're late. Bobby and his friends scurried to do their boss's bidding, unaware that they were being watched. Mud flap and Skids snickered to themselves as the lower ranking Cobres frantically scrambled to put the workshop back together.

*Ya ready fer part two?* Mud flap sent his twin. *Oh yea! 'Nough with the makin' like a ninja! I'ma gonna be makin' like 'Bee when he first found Sam* As Skids said this, he flashed his 'brights' right into the face of Bobby. "GAAAHHH! I can't see! " What the heck is your problem now Bobbo?" Ray snapped as he came in shielding his eyes. Skids meanwhile had pitched what left of a pack of beer forward with his door right in front of his feet. As Ray was having as much problems seeing as his 'henchmen' he tripped right over the nearly empty cans. "Mutha****! Bobby what have I told you? You never drink on El Diablo's time! Honestly you are bound to get us in all sorta trouble. One more stunt like this and.." Raquel's voice trailed off as his hand landed on Mud flap's door handle. "Sweetest! Well you've done one thing right. This baby's gonna get us back into the big boss's good graces." "Man I didn't bring it in and I sure wasn't drunk last night! I knows better now." Bobby said whiningly. "Bag it Bobby, you've done this too many times to count. Although usually it's only one car. And these babies are so new that you must boosted 'em from a dealership. I mean these bad boys just came out last month."

Carlos said dismissively as he joined Raquel in studying their latest 'job' "We gonna have to work fast to get this done and get the parts out 'fore someone starts missing 'em." *Uh-oh Skids.. We gotta get 'em outta here! Ah ain't gonna go thru a extended stay with the 'Hatchet'* Before Skids could respond , Mud flap set his honk loose. BEEP! BEEEP! BEEEEEEEEP! The last blast was so loud that it shock the whole warehouse and cracked several windshields stacked off by themselves. Raquel who had been holding his hands over his ears like the rest of the strip crew, now dropped them and cursed viciously. But this was only the start of their problems. Both twins now switched on brights, blinding the humans. Then Mud flap brought his engine out of what could be called 'recharge idle' and roared it at full throttle. "S! Bobby you idiot! They got somebody in them!" Raquel roared *Hey Mud flap, ya got any little human in ya?* *Nape, but the ain't gonna believe that* *They will if we kill our lights* Skids could feel his twin question what he was up to. So he sent two English words that if repeated at base would cause all heck of trouble. *Satan's Camero* Mud flap gave a start, then played a laugh track over his radio as acknowledgement The headlights on both of them shut off at the same time. *Get ready* Mud flap sent. Now that they could see, the strip crew had their guns out and pointed straight at the driver's seat of both twins. "Get the f&&k outta the car or we're gonna pump you full and leave you for gator bait!" Raquel howled.

*NOW!*Both twins said at the same time to each other. Both of there engines roared and Skids started playing the entrance track for the 'Undertaker'. And then all hell broke loose. Skids started whipping around the room looking like he was going to hit any one in his path only to swerve at the last second. Bullets ricocheted of his armor and windshield, nothing leaving a scratch. Mud flap on the other hand, worked on wrecking the place even worse, crashing through parts, breaking windshields and shifting different tracks of music in a ominous combo of Death Metal and Gang Rap. Finally one of the crew noticed that the 'cars' were driving themselves. Unfortunately for Raquel, the kid in question was as superstitious as hell. "Madre De Dios! Ain't nobody driving them. They're demon cars!" he shouted. At that, the crew couldn't leave fast enough as each one of them caught sight of the empty driver's seat.

Finally only Raquel was left and he, realizing that he couldn't stop these two metal monsters after trying to take out their tires, took off after his crew leaving Mud flap and Skids in the middle of a trash pit, both of them laughing out loud. "I hope you two have had enough fun and games for a while, "came a commanding voice from outside. If 'Bots could gulp, the twins would have as they rolled forward to meet the rescue group. Prime was the only one in his bi-ped form. Iron hide and Ratchet staying in their alt-modes, probably on orders. Optics narrowed, Prime simply said, "We'll discuss this once we get back to base."

_Oh boy.. You know the twins are in trouble. But it's not gonna be that bad for them this time. And I know that how? _

_~Prime~ Don't leave them in suspense Of course then again I have a feeling I know what I'd do with them. But thank Primus I'm not Bay verse! _

_`me` Yes dear, I know. You're the original and the best. Which is why I want your perspective. But gentle reader, you're going to have to wait till Chapter 3. _

_Hopefully soon. Until then please review. Thanks and LLAP! _


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: Ambushed by Decepticons, Mudflap and Skids power up to find they are stuck in their alt-modes, with no communication. And they're in a chop-shop. The results are ...interesting. Rated T for swearing and violence.

Finally I managed to bust the dam loose on this one. So for all of you who were waiting for it here's the final chapter of Mania! Enjoy!

Disclaimer - Don't own 'em. Just for fun.

Dipstick Mania:

All thoughts and comm. are bold

*-* = comm.

^-^ = thoughts

Chapter 3: _Think why don't you!_

Rachet had his servos full trying to get the Chevy twins to their bi-pedal mode. It didn't help that the two were constantly getting into verbal fights with each other. And they'd probably play 'bumper cars' if he hadn't had the foresight to have Jolt strap them down. After about two days of this and several reprimands from Prime, the two sat and sulked in different corners.

If that nonsense was enough to make his processor ache, Rachet also had to try and prevent a recurrence. He had no clue as to what or how the Decepticons had gotten the twins in this predicament and he had no wish to see what would happen to one of his other comrades should they try it again successfully. He finally got an idea of how to tackle the problem when he was finally able to undo the block on their transformation.

Looking on it, Rachet realized that whatever the 'Cons used, it had acted like a 'virus' as a human could understand it. And now he knew how to combat the problem. Chasing the twins out of the repair bay with a couple of wrench tosses, The 'Hachet' got to work. The cure had led to a preventative and it only took him a few hours to put it together. In human terms, he created a anti-virus that protected the mech in question and sent a reversal order to whatever caused the disruption in the first place. Likely as not, it would trap one or more of the Decepticons in their alternate form the next time it was triggered.

His being mighty pleased with himself lasted all of a Terran minute. Then something jammed itself in his foot-pad, triggering pain sensors and sending Rachet hoping around on one foot. The base shook as Rachet blistered the air in Cybertronian. Finally able to get to a berth he put the offending appendage up and reached down. The piece of metal was Terran in origin and was somewhat twisted. It looked like a foot-long narrow metal rod and Rachet glared at it in exasperation. The twins must have picked it up in their escapade at the chop shop.

Triggering his access to the Web, he soon came across the identity of the little monster and shook his head module in shear disgust. It was a dip-stick, a rod used to check the amount of oil in a car's engine. It also carried a certain connotation among the Cybertronians, if one wished to filthy-processed. He idly skimmed through the information out of a perverse curiosity, then his optics widened over a commercial. An evil idea bloomed in his CPU as he considered the thought.

Skids and Mudflap seemed only to respect brute power and crude antics. Well since they hadn't been impressed with anything else, he was going to try a little corrective crudeness and see if that wouldn't get them to shape up and stop acting like brawler bots! After he repaired the damage to his foot-plates of course.

The twins were confined to the base for the remainder of their stay in Florida. When Optimus took the other Autobots out to track down the Decepticons, Rachet was the first to volunteer to watch the two hooligans until their mission was complete. Everyone thought that he knocked a microchip or two loose in his processor. Even Prime questioned his CMO before they left. **^Are you certain this is what you wish to do Rachet, I can easily have the two of them sent back to Diego Garcia.^ ^And have them terrorize the rest of NEST? I think not Optimus. I'll be fine and they'll be **_**good**_** little mechs, if they know what's good for them!^**

It was Skids who got the first taste of what Rachet had in store for them. After knocking over some loose equipment and not picking it up, Skids found himself with a ringing helm just five astro-seconds later. He looked up to see Rachet holding the metal rod in his servos twirling it back and forth. Said rod had been welded to the tip of a longer and stronger piece. Now when he used it, the dip stick would stay together but deliver a resounding snap to a mech's anatomy.

And so it went for the next week. Whenever Skids or Mudflap didn't use their processors, Rachet was there with a sharp smack with the stick to the back of their helms. And usually giving them as scathing, "Use the processors you were created with." At the end, Rachet thought they were making progress. Until Optimus and the others showed up with Starscream. The jet was sitting on the tarmac shrieking Cybertronian curses when the twins and Rachet arrived. Before the CMO could stop him, Skids had deftly grabbed the dip-stick and run over to the disabled Decepticon. Whacking the nosecone, Skids solemnly declared, "Yo! Ya get a foul reminder for a foul mouth, cause ah ain't got enough solvent on the planet to clean it!"

Rachet rolled his optics as Mudflap joined his twin and they fought over who would whack Starscream next. The twins were what they were, and he doubt that anyone could ever get those two to behave.

Thanks for sticking with me.  
I hope you've enjoyed this little jaunt.

Please Review if you have the chance

Peace and Long Life \ /

May the Force be with you

and

Till all are one

laureas


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